TRIGGER WARNING - Birth Trauma
It was 2014 and I was in my annual performance review chatting about a promotion plan when I suddenly burst into tears. My shocked boss hugged me and reassured me to hang in there, the promotion was coming. I sobbed into a tissue until it was over.
I’m absolutely not a crier so on the way home I bought a pregnancy test.
My husband Michael and I were stunned. We had only planned to have two kids but lucky number three was on the way, planned or not. I’m a baby person so I was over the moon but I was already nervous about a birth that was 35 weeks away.
Years later I would learn that one in three Australian women experience birth trauma. I had been one of them and I didn’t even realise.
My first son had been born through a relaxed and beautiful vaginal delivery in 2009. I had a tear that had required surgery but the overall experience and recovery was great. Motherhood came naturally to me and I really enjoyed having a little one.
When we were expecting our daughter in 2012 everyone told me it would be easier this time around. I was ready for an empowering and breezy experience. I didn’t even pack a bag, I expected to come home from the hospital within four hours of delivery. This birth thing was a cinch.
Just like with my first baby I had a calm drug-free labour and things had been perfect. Then I started pushing and something didn’t feel right. When I told the midwife she said everything was fine and it would all be over soon. I didn’t feel heard. I requested some investigations when progression slowed and, again, was told everything was fine. Why weren’t the medical staff listening to their patient?
I’ll spare you the minor details but here are the key points:
*Hospital beds are faster than my first car
*I was told to hold my bum up off the bed so on the way to theatre I had my legs wrapped around the neck of a bloke who looked like a biker named Steve. If you know Steve from the JHH’s theatre crew please pass on my condolences, I’m sure he’s still scared.
*The last thing I remember before the anaesthetist gave me a general anaesthetic was asking him ‘would you please knock me out or kill me?’ And I wasn’t kidding.
Now I was preparing for another birth and I vowed to be better prepared this time. I read every book I could get my hands on. I did yoga classes, I got acupuncture, I saw a chiropractor for months, I even bought several midwifery textbooks. By the time my second son was due I probably knew enough about childbirth that I could have delivered him myself if my arms were longer.
Last time I had been terrified when things went wrong because I had no idea what was happening. This time I wasn’t going to let that happen.
Smooth sailing wasn’t meant to be though. The delivery was nightmarish. I had a failed ventouse, failed forceps, a ruptured uterus then another emergency c-section. My baby was resuscitated and taken to the NICU. No one who saw me in those early days even bothered to say ‘but you got a beautiful baby out of it’ because I looked so much like roadkill I think even they questioned if it was worth it. I felt like I’d been chewed up and spat out.
The recovery was long and it took me months to be able to even hold my bladder. The list of issues and therapies that went with them is long. Six years on I still feel different. Things inside have never been the same and the muscles in my lower back feel like a bag of rice. Despite all that though, the hardest part has been the psychological impact.
It took a lot of therapy for me to process what happened. The hardest part was working through triggers, like being in medical settings. I’ve found that talking about it and asking for help when I need it have been my keys to recovery.
This week (July 19-25th July) is Birth Trauma Awareness week. It’s a time for us to come together as a community and support one another in the healing journey. One in three women is a huge number so chances are you know a woman who has experienced and may still be working through the trauma of a difficult birth.
If you can relate to anything I've written please visit the Australasian Birth Trauma Association’s website at www.birthtrauma.org.au. I volunteer as a peer mentor each week to chat with women and help them feel heard so you might even see me there.
Lisa xxx
Lisa Holdworth is a writer from Glendale. She is the mother of three, a small business owner and a very lucky wife.
